my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
