Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
