i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
