everyone is single if you try hard enough
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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