I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
