if you like me you must not know who I am
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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