Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I have tasted many bathrooms
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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