yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
