what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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