Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
