Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
