Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
