I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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