i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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