I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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