K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
