I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
