I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
