If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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