apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
