You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
