...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I am naked and annoyed.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
