i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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