I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
