probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
