if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
