then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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