Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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