I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
