I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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