I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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