This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
