Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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