wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
