I wish my penis had an off switch
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Randomize
