Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
