Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
