Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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