I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
