your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
