"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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