i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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