I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
