I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
