i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
