oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
