You just made me feel so damn special
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
