I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
