party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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