Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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