I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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